I have, on occasion, received letters from various people expressing their undying love. (Or something similar). Now some of those were successful in expressing their sentiments, and some were more unsuccessful. Obviously I've never written anything of that nature myself, oh no, and I therefore feel completely at ease with reproducing excerpts below for you all to laugh at. Names and other such identifying words have been altered. (I'm not that cruel. No really I'm not.) For your viewing pleasure, I've even given them a star rating, as below.
| Nausea inducing |  |
Tacky |  |
Not unpleasant |  |
Pleasant |  |
I like that |  |
| Quote | Rating | Comments |
|---|---|---|
| "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen" | | Unoriginal and unlikely |
| "Nobody comes close to your beauty and charm" | | Beauty is an over-used word. |
| "My heart longs to be near you" | | Less about you and more about me please. |
| "You are a banquet for the optical pathways" | | Marks for being deliberately funny. |
| "I find you so easy to talk to" | | That almost manages to be about personality rather than looks. |
| "If you were any smaller and prettier, you'd be a butterfly." | | A positive reference to my height! |
| "Words can not express..." | | Maybe not, but you could at least try. |
| "I'd kill or be killed for you" | | A bit scary actually, but a good power trip. |
| "You're one of the few people I've liked since I first set eyes on them" | | Good twist on the standard references to looks. |
| "You were even more beautiful than I had remembered" | | So? Maybe you remembered me as being ugly. |
| "You are my inspiration" (paraphrased) | | I like the idea of being inspiring. I could be a muse. |
The problem with writing people letters is that they can keep them. They'll always be able to read and re-read them, reproduce them for all to see, or just remind themselves of just how stupid you were. That letter that seemed oh so witty and casual when you sent it but which you later regretted will never fade in their memory, because they have it in hard copy.
Phone them - they'll forget the exact words you used, text them - they'll delete it when their inbox gets full. Never ever write it down. They're going to show it to all their friends. Maybe make photocopies, or post extracts up on a website for public ridicule.
It's not best to write it down. It really isn't. Write it down, read it to them over the phone, then destroy it. Don't leave any evidence. Then later when they confront you about it you can deny all knowledge and pretend they imagined it. Or that you were drunk.
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