Prologue
My friends, I extend my thanks to you
For letting me in on this wonderful new
Device for restoring tranquil life:
Not gas or poison, fire or knife
But Nemesis in nuclear form
Our old pal Fred, the atomic bomb.
Thanks to him (forgive his name;
I know that it is rather lame)
The Swedes, Slapper and mirrors are gone
The two of you fused into one
And BT scared into submission
But now I have another mission
So, fellow mistresses, let's set
A thermonuclear trap to get
Revenge upon the felons who
I will now introduce to you.
The Plot
I know that it has been traditional
When dealing with things nuclear-fissional
To bomb the females into dust
Thus saving all the men for us.
However, times have changed, so I
Propose that some of them should die
For crimes against humanity,
viz, disrespectful use of me.
The first: a certain Lawyer who
Though intelligent and very cute
Conspired to get me into bed
Then left me as though I were dead
His promises turned into lies
My smiles turned into desperate cries
And now (I hear) he has someone else
And I've been left upon the shelf.
Now, normally we'd bomb the other
Woman; but she's not worth the bother
So let us just nuke him instead
Bomb, bomb, bomb until he's dead;
Spray his fragments round the world
For taking up with this other girl.
Let's take out Fred, faithful and trusty
From retirement, where he's going rusty,
Polish him and send him up
To Wembley: not to watch the Cup
But to dish out some atomic justice -
There is no Law, my dears, there's just us.
For cheating, lying and being a bitch
I'll add to this toll a certain witch
Whom we all thought was sweet and nice:
Now resident in Paradise
(The South of France) she plots and schemes
to take away my long-term dreams
and, even worse, far worse than that
she's cheated on our good friend Matt
with one who once was dear to me
though evil and reckless he be.
So I propose our Final Solution
Thermonuclear Execution
Powerful atomic fission
To teach them both a damned good lesson.
Though friend she was to me for years
And we shared laughter, fun and tears
She has no right to think that she
Can take a man of mine, so we
Should put her firmly back in place
By burning off her pretty face.
Let's send our glorious friendly Fred
On a working holiday to the Med
To burn, irradiate and purge
The world of her accursed scourge.
Having done this, I could smile
And win him back for quite a while;
But I am wiser now, and choose
That we should bomb and he should lose.
I'll not give him the satisfaction
Of my care after his evil action;
But use my Radioactive Toy
To bomb the silly idiot boy.
So Fred shall fly across the world
To South-East Asia where, I'm told,
The accomplice in this dreadful crime
Is lounging round and wasting time.
Above Malaysia the mushroom clouds rise
To herald a joyful sight for our eyes:
His glasses melt, his hair will frizzle
His bones will crack and his flesh will sizzle.
And with this means I'll educate
Him not to use her as a substitute
For me (though I yet love another);
With foolish blondes he should not bother!
And if, perchance, his forgotten lust
Rises Phoenix-like from the nuclear dust
Why, I shall say to him, 'too late:
You've lost your chance, this is your fate
Now you are bombed and so is she
From these encumbrances I'm free
No more shall I lament and weep
At last I'll get a good night's sleep!'
And having thus let off my rage
There'll come a peaceful post-nuclear age.
Epilogue
So let us sing with tuneful voice
And in our faithful Fred rejoice
The Lawyer vanquished, Harlot beaten
And Fool destroyed, their bodies eaten
Up by our atomic might
Their ashes will glow day and night
To serve as warning to the rest
They should know that we are best;
And thus to all other men show
That there is but one way to go
And if they fail to take our path,
We'll blow them into tiny shards
They will be yours, they will be mine
From now until the end of time.
But now I leave and draw a veil
Across this cautionary tale
I have things to do, and so
It's bye-for-now from me; I go.
Clare